A twist of events

Right after I finished writing last entry, Pink called to inform that Nie is on her way to pick me to go to Pink's house. We got there pretty late for there were many things to be done 1st. Not much was done at Pink's, just ate, watch mtvs, go online and chatted. There was one scene when KW was laying on the sofa and Nie was sitting on the floor next to him but facing him. They were so close and immedietly made me think back of this one time when the same scene occured but instead of KW, it was LW.

Yesterday, I was out with Nie. We were in charge to take the films to be developed. After that was done, we were just walking around the mall when suddenly she popped the question of why we've not been contacting the 2 guys lately. I told her that she should go ask them why they've not been contacting us. If they were to say that we've been showing faces at them, they should take a look at themselves for there were many incidents of when they had a bad day and come out yumcha with us with blacken faces. I told her that we're also humans, with feelings and emotions. She also asked if this all started the day the both of them just speed off without even sitting down for a drink even though they're the ones who called us to ask what our plans were. I told her that wasn't it but didn't bother to elaborate. Well, she left that at there and so did I.

Later on, she mentioned that CC once said, "Oh.. Like that la. Yumcha also never ajak", when she blurted out that we were all going yumcha. I got damn pissed and told her that it's not that we don't wanna invite them but it's more like we're fed-up with their attitudes. When we invite them, they'll make excuses/give stupid replies and never turn up or turn up for only awhile. Besides that, they never once let us in on their plans, so why should we. Even when we plan and invite them, they'll then say that they want to go some place else (which usually is more high-classed and expensive). I told her that we're simple people who enjoy simple things and places (Mani).

Funnily, she never defended them nor us. I do get a feeling that she will mention this conversations to them but I don't care for that's what I want to happen, so that they know what's in our heads. As it is, we're not able to speak to them and she's the only connection to them now.

I told this to Pink and Yen only this afternoon and later Pink will pick me up for dinner. I'm sure there'll be some issues to discuss. Yen on the other hand, smsed me to tell me that she isn't as mad at the 2 guys anymore but she's still mad at Nie. I can't say that that's the right or wrong way but for me, my anger towards Nie has toned down a notch but it's still heated up at the both of them. After all, this is not the 1st time they have done this to me and because of that, I know how they are and now they think. I do feel that they're just being immature and will never admit defeat. I've given up fighting against/for them... I've just given up... Too tired... I'm too old for all this shit!

A long day, a long entry

So much happening today. Loads of money wasted on sms. First there was Pink telling me that tonite we’ll be spending at her place for her parents are going back hometown. I thought that there wouldn’t be Sunday School tomorrow and happily agreed to stay over. She was then contemplating if she should invite Nie as well. According to her, she shares the same feeling of dislike towards Nie these days too. I told her that she had to invite for KW already knew about it and it would seem pretty obvious that we don’t like Nie if we invite everyone except her, especially since it’s always been ‘the 4 girls’ since god-knows-when. Like as if she knew were talking about her, Nie called me to ask for EJ’s number. We made some small talk with me asking if she’s well already or not and she asking what I was doing. I then smsed Pink to tell her what had happened and she told me that Nie called her earlier to ask for CC’s number as well but Pink said that she didn’t have it. I asked if Nie realizes that there’s something wrong this picture of Pink not having CC’s number but there was no reply. Come to think of it, Nie has been calling CC so often and this makes me wonder why she would want CC’s number. Is this some kind of test? Anyways, Nie sms me later to ask what I was doing and ask me to inform her if there were any plans. Well, Pink already invited her for tonite but didn’t tell her that KW was staying over.

I so wanted to stay over… Why? Why? Why? Why do I have Sunday School tomorrow? I will not join Sunday School next year!!! Wait, now… where have I heard that before? *taps cheek* Oh yea, last year, when I said I wouldn’t be joining Sunday School this year. I honestly didn’t want to join but was forced to by all the ladies for they keep saying that they’re already so old and need young blood and that they’re short-staffed. Making me feel awfully guilty and pitiful. This is too much for me to take. First, I have to hide it from my dad. Secondly, I have to arrange my transport to and fro. Thirdly, I have to get up early, which makes me feel like as if I’m still working even tho it’s a Sunday. Fourthly, I have no holiday at all. I feel like I’m working 7 days a week for I work from Monday-Friday, Saturday for tutorials and Sunday for Sunday School *sigh* I so have no life… *sulks* No matter what, I will TRY to get out of joining Sunday School next year.

Oh, I forgot to mention, Kor called. Pink told me that he called her too and she sorta told him what’s been happening. She said that she’s a lil pissed at him for he seems/acts like as if he knew what was happening. Anyway, I do not know the whole story just yet. I’ll find out tonite when Pink bitches about it. According to her, he did mention that he was a lil hurt when Nie didn’t invite him for her birthday do. He then said that he thinks that Nie’s the culprit in our ‘troubles’. I told Pink that he’s only saying this because he felt hurt that Nie didn’t invite him, I told her to thin out of the box for this. I have realized that when people are angry, they tend not to think logically. Besides, all these while, he’s the one trying to patch things up between us, no matter how bad things get and he’ll still try to help and protect her when we say something bad about her.

Guess what…? Our plans for tonite are cancelled. Seems Pink’s car couldn’t start and because of this, she’s a bit cranky. Yen called me to tell me this and I arranged for Nie to pick us but when I called Pink to inform her this, she said, “You all come for what?” Honestly, that hurt. I don’t blame her though for I know she’s got loads o her mind at the moment but it’s just that I’m not in her shoes and wouldn’t understand her situation. Here I am bitching about Sunday School and thinking that tonite will make up for it but suddenly got cancelled. Oh well, things like this cannot be helped. I just hope Pink’ll be fine and her car be corrected soon cos I don’t think I can stand her cranky-ness if it continues till tomorrow :p Looks like I’ll be able to get an early nite sleep and get up refreshed to face a class of kids tomorrow morning. See, there’s a positive side to this after all.

I think I need to mention a lil on what’s been going on in my family. Sean has not been speaking to me for the longest time and up till now, I do not know the real reason to it. I know it’s partly because I changed jobs to teaching kindy and that I’m not helping out in his collage fees for all along he thought that I would be supporting him thru collage rite after I graduate and find a job. Thing is, it’s not that easy to get a job in the field that I’ve studied. Sometimes we have to do something completely different to survive. A good example, are my cousins, the first one studied law but now is a businessman and his brother who studied engineering is also a businessman. Their sister who did marketing is now an accountant. I guess in most people’s eyes, being a kindy teacher does not earn much and therefore is not considered a ‘proper’ job. Well, I see this as a stepping-stone. I plan to go back to studying to be a qualified teacher and be a government teacher with all the incentives given. No one in my family knows this just yet for I plan to work with this kindy for about a year or so then branch out from there. I need to get some hands-on experience first. I know that this field is a completely different field from what I initially studied but this is something I wanted to do when I was young and even now, still wanna do. I’m more of a children-person than an adult-person.

Anyways, Sean is mad at me but all his friends are still fine with me. They still respect me and talk to me as usual. I bet Sean has told them stories about me before but thank god they’re open-minded enough to think rationally. Sean has been telling things to my mother as well. Because of this, she has been nagging me about my responsibilities at home that I have neglected. I do admit that I have not been the cleanest person in the house but I make sure that it does not bother other people. Funny thing is, he actually can find time to tell my mum things about me when he hardly sees her in the first place. Even I, who see her more often hardly venture in this subject of Sean-me relationship. He blames me for not giving him things and whatnots but he forgets so easily that I have done many things for him in the past. It’s just that now I’m not so well off and cannot afford to bring him diamonds and jewels and instead bring him a casual dinner. Oh well, it’s proven that even by doing 1000 good deeds, 1 bad deed will be remembered more. I just hope that one-day things will be alright and I hope that one-day will be soon.

Scott on the other hand is not like that. Thank god. Because of this, I tend to want to spend more time with him and by doing that, I will buy or spend on little things for him. I am sure that if Sean comes back to me, I would do the same for him too. I just hope that Scott will not turn out to be like Sean some time in the future. I’m very worried about that.

Miss my mummy :(

I'm not so heated up today. I'm more depressed than anything. I couldn't sleep last nite because my mind keeps going back to happier times when it was just CC, Yen, LW and I. I sure miss those times. I want it all back again. I wish Nie never got to know them then everything would be alright. I voiced out my thoughts to Yen thru sms. She too feels the same but she's more positive by saying that Pink will call them someday if they still didn't call us. I just hope that it wouldn't be too late by then.

No matter how much I say or portray that losing this 2 doesn't affect me, I'm only bluffing my friends and myself. My insides are slowly dying and I only making myself suffer. Of course it hurts that I have to lose them, considering that we were so close once upon a time and we've known each other for so many years now. Just because of 1 person, everything that we've built together for so long just goes down the drain.

I also cannot deny that I feel hate for Nie. It's just that I (we) have to pretend like as if we're still best buds just to get her back onto our side and hopefully get those 2 back in as well. It's a ploy, no doubt but it's the only way. I'm only giving Nie the benefit of the doubt here but deep down, I despise her. I know it's a sad and horrid thing to say or feel but I just can't help it.

Both Yen and me are treating Nie with a lot of fake love and care. Seems to be working tho for she's awfully grateful to be able to go out with us and talk as normal again. It all showed last nite when we went for dinner in KL with Yen, Pink, Ken, Nie and me. Initially, Yen didn't want her to come along but because of all these fakeness, we had to act like we really wanted her to come. Nie seems awfully sticky to me (I don't know about the rest). There was once when we were just walking around, I held her hand to drag her away from a stall and quickly I let go for I didn't like the feeling of touching her. She held on to me and said it's been awhile since she held a hand. I completely ignored her and kept walking, with her still hanging onto me. EWWWW!!! See, it has come to THIS stage of disgust I have for her.

Nie actually said she didn’t want to go dinner with us because I told her that she might have to drive if we all went to Rose’s place and she doesn’t want to go. Finally, Yen got Ken to send Nie home 1st. Her excuse for not wanting to drive herself was because she’s tired and wants go home to sleep earlier. Her excuse for not wanting to go to Rose’s was because her mother pantang but her parents are Christians and far as I know, Christians don’t have such pantangs.

After dinner, Pink and me were suppose to head to Rose place for her granny just passed away. Finally Pink decided not to go for her mum told her it wasn’t such a good idea. We made another ploy to go yumcha without Nie after dinner. Before Nie got in the car, we called Yen to inform her that Ken has to send Nie back 1st then join us at Mani. Later, Ken confessed that Nie said she has an appointment. Now, does it seem suspicious? 1st she says she tired but in the end still go out, especially when by the time she got home after dinner was close to 11pm. Did she already made appointment that’s why she gave excuse don’t wanna drive cos tired? Or was the appointment later that’s why she didn’t want to go to Rose’s? I’m so sorry to say that the 3 of us straight away begin to suspect that she was going out with those 2.

I better continue with my story on what happened on Monday. It was Nie's birthday. She invited Yen, Pink and me for dinner at this quite high-end restaurant (we went dutch tho). Little did we know that besides her sister, cousin and some other friends, she invited LW and CC as well. I only found that out when we parked and she called CC to confirm his attendance. LW couldn't make it that nite because he was busy with work... Or was it that he just didn't want to see us...? Before we went into the restaurant, I pulled Yen aside and told her that CC is coming. Unfortunately, the table was set that we had to face each other and I was facing CC. He brought a girl, the all-famous Brenda (she was once-upon a time a talk in our group because CC was spending a lot of time with her and we were trying to get the 411 on whether he had interest in her or were they together but he denied all) that we've heard so much before but never seen. He acted like she was his gf but she sure didn't act like he was her bf. Anyways, when he arrived, he didn't even acknowledge our presence except Nie's. He only said hi to her, talk to her, introduced Brenda to her and even said bye to her, all the while pretending we're transparent. That was as much as we could take and 3 of us decided enough's enough and deleted both CC's and LW's phone numbers. Now, even if I regretted my actions, there's no way I could retrieve their numbers.

By the way, Nie got sacked yesterday. Her lady boss called her up on Tuesday at 10pm to ask her to go to the office the next day to get her letter. When asked why, lady boss said that she just can’t work with her any more. Next day the office, her male boss told her that she’s till hired in his eyes. Seems male boss and lady boss have something going on and lady boss is jealous of Nie cos she feels that male boss is treating Nie extra nice. Seems he’s more patient with Nie than her. Lady boss didn’t come to office that day but I don’t know if anything happened today for I haven’t been able to ask Nie anything just yet. According to Nie, male boss is old and there would be no reason for her to 'kow' him. But, who know? I know, I know, I’m cruel for saying that. Maybe what Pink said is right, Nie might have done something that seems like a threat to lady boss in which she didn’t realize she was doing something wrong, just like how she’s wrecked our friendship with the 2 boys without even realizing it… Or maybe she does…? After Yen knew about this, she said that this so confirms that we cannot introduce male friends to Nie anymore. Maybe there are some truths in this as even her boss can feel something’s amiss, what more we, her friends, who spends so much time with her and knew her from long ago?

On to other topics, EJ went for audition for Malaysian Idol but he didn’t get thru. I know he must be very depressed at this moment. Unfortunately, he’s a sore loser. He has to be the best or he’ll change to something else. Good example is his career. He was in graphics but when he wasn’t the best, he changed to hotel line and found out he wasn’t the best there either. He’s now in events and on the verge of giving up as well. When he told me that he’s looking for a singing teacher and if I had any recommendations, I knew that through the joke, he really meant it. I just hope that someday someone’ll be able to wake him up to reality that one can still achieve greatness without being the number 1 in it. I just hope that one day will not be too long, when he has lost all determination *shakes head* Poor EJ.

The weird thing about all these is that my mum actually remembered about EJ’s audition and called me up last nite to ask how it went/ when I told her that it was postponed to today, she asked to wish him luck for her. She actually cares about my friends. I always knew she cared about me and wants to know everything about me but I just didn’t know how deep she would take it to. During times like these, I miss her a lot. At times, we don’t get along but I do miss hanging out with her, just talking. I kinda long for a nice warm hug from her rite now to tell me that everything’s gonna be alright soon. I know I’m a 22 year old grown adult but I tend to want times when I can just be my mummy’s little baby *getting misty eyed* I think I better stop here before I start flooding the keyboards.

PS: I just called Nie to ask what happened at work and she said that her lady boss is away for some self-development course so she won't be seeing her for the next few days. But she honestly don't know how to face the lady boss when she comes back. According to male boss, everything's alright and told Nie not to worry too much about it. I actually called her to 'pan kuan sum'. I know, I'm so fake and so bad. Well, after all my hard work of trying to be nice to her when I'm so mad at her, she better not screw up anymore.

Losing friends

I've officially lost 2 friends and I feel like I'm just about to lose 2 more. I've deleted CC's and LW's phone numbers and there is no other way to retrieve it. It has finally come to a point where I'd rather lose them 2 than to lose Nie.

Last nite at the dinner, Nie invited CC and LW as well but only CC turned up, with a girl (Brenda). I totally ignored him the whole nite and so did Yen and Pink. We just couldn't bare to look at him in the eye any more and despise his company. Just the thought of them makes us mad. Dinner was a torture with every bite as he was sitting right in front of me. He, on the other hand, didn't even acknowledge our presence. He only introduced Brenda to Nie and said hi and bye only to Nie. We were just totally transparent.

Damn.. My brother's home. I need to head to my godma's house for dinner. I guess I just have to vent my anger some other time. Later, maybe.

Nie's day

Today's Nie's birthday. She just called to inform me that we'll be going for dinner together with some of her other friends and some family members. I found it funny that after telling me that, she asked if it's ok to go on with the plan and I just told her that it is after all her plan and she said that I sounded reluctant. It's not that I'm reluctant, it's just that I don't know how to react to her anymore and after last nite, I feel even more awkward than before.

Yesterday was supposed to be a fun day but it sure didn't seem like it for me. We went cycling at this park and at first I thought I could cope with it but the slopes were too much for me and in the end I had to walk most of the way. It was a nice scenery though and I sure enjoyed the 4 season house, which was Winter by the way. I finally got to see and touch snow *big grin* The bad thing about the cycling trip was that I blurted out to KW that he's always protecting Nie.

The story is, Yen wanted to put some stuffs in KW's bag for she didn't want to leave it out on the bike for others to take. Nie commented that we're always bullying KW and Yen asked who is the one always bullying him first. KW then said that he willingly carried the bag and I blurted out that he's always helping her. I turned my back and walked away so I didn't see him face turn black (according to Pink). I regretted saying it but I can't say that I didn't mean it. I felt bad and when I got home, I smsed KW to apologize but he didn't reply. Up till now, I still have no idea if he's mad at me or not. Thing is, I was contemplating to apologize or not and I thought back that if I were in his shoes, I would rather the person apologize. I would still feel mad initially but my fire would cool down later on. Well, that's me but I don't know about him. Hopefully he thinks the same too.

After cycling, I had another shocker that nite. Seems CC and LW was at Nie's house and she called Pink to ask her out. Pink asked who was gonna pick Yen and me and Nie covered the phone to ask the boys that question. After some muffled sounds, she said that the boys only invited Pink alone. Seriously, my heart broke. If I were alone, I would have banged my head against the wall for ever liking LW. The boys don't even think of Yen and me as friends enough to call us out. After all I've done for LW, this is the thanks I get. Damn him!!! Come to think of it, I don't need his friendship nor CC's. They are both worthless bastards and they can go find 'popular' girls to hang around with. They think they're the greatest but I've got news for them, we're NOT in HIGH SCHOOL any more. Popularity don't count these days. I actually wanted to sms them to tell them to fuck out of our lifes and leave our group alone. As Pink pointed out, it seems like the 2 boys are trying to break the 4 of us up and come to think of it, I feel it too. I have to hold back my hands and think logically 1st before I do something or say something I regret, like the case with KW.

As for Nie, I was purely disappointed that she didn't even think about asking Yen and me out. She had to wait till Pink pointed it out to figure that we weren't included *shakes head* SO DISAPPOINTED. Nie... How could you do this to us? I thought we were close buds and that we love each other to bits *sniff* The worse part is that I actually cried for her before I got the nite news. I was watching a show about 4 girls in a band but because of 1 of them with an attitude, the 4 split up. I felt it was so like our group at the moment and I cried to think of our fate. I swore to myself that it would not happen that way and I would not bitch about it any more but come yumcha time, all promise and hope were flushed down the toilet bowl.

I honestly doubt that I can look Nie in the eye anymore. I will still keep to my promise of not letting the 4 of us split up and trying to tone down on the bitchings but to mend my broken heart and disappointment and relationship between Nie and me, it'll take a LONG time. If any more 'situations' comes up, I might just lose all contact with her. I really don't want that to happen but I'm really on the verge already. It's frightening.

On a lighter note, I saw Gan today. I have not admitted to anyone before but I am kinda attracted to him, since before. I don't mean outlook wise but what he has inside (I know what you're thinking, go bang your head against a wall but THAT's not what I'm mean). He may be rough and gruff outside but inside, he's such a sweetie. I should know, for I've been with him before. He's a real learned person and somehow, I'm always attracted to guys like that (Dougie Houser - my fav). I may be a little confused about how I feel for him, I either like him or have compassion for him. I feel for him because he has so much talent but under some circumstances, he is unable to live it to his full potential. I feel like helping him but just don't know how, except to 'love' him (Pink's probably puking now but I'm only being honest). Of course these things are not just based on that but also on my own 'needs'. I actually smsed Pink to ask if I would embrace the opportunity or fight the lust. She told me to fight. Anyways, he has left for gym and we didn't do anything. The timing was not right. I do not guarantee that the next time the timing would be wrong again *winks*

Missing My Baby

I couldn't really get a good sleep last nite. I kept waking up every 2-3 hrs. Even with Jaz on my mind, I still found it hard to sleep.

When I finally fell asleep one time, I dreamt of one of my last years' student. His name is Tan Zuellieg, he was 3 then but this year he's 4. Unfortunately, he doesn't study at where I teach anymore. He's like the cutest student I even know. He has really fair complexion, slinty eyes, really soft brown hair and always smiling. I have to admit that I loved him more than any other students but of course I don't make it too obvious.

Anyways, the dream was that I was teaching and he was still my student. There were other students around as well, in my dream but it's just that I took more notice of him. If you ask me, I really can't tell you who exactly were the other students (in my dream).

I don't know why I would suddenly dream of him. Maybe he reminds me of Jaz (???). Anyways, I do really miss Zuellieg and I hope one day I could see him again. He just SOOOO cute. I kinda hope that when I have children, they would posses Zuellieg's looks and quality. *blush* *shy smile*

Dreamy

Jaz is SOOOO dreamy. I can't seem to tell anyone that for they'll think I'm head over heels over him. Honestly, I'm NOT! I'm just so infatuate by him. He has really cute slinty eyes and when he smiles, his eyes transforms into a single line. SOOOO CUTE!!! I can't stop saying that he's so cute. Unfortunately, he already has someone else in his heart, a girl who is his friend's X. Oh well, I guess Jaz is the kind of guy whom one can see, touch but never own (for my case, that is). I actually don't think of him much but it's just that when I see him today, I'll think of him the whole day and tomorrow I'll forget unless for some reason he appears or a topic about him comes up. I think I better stop drooling on about him. Someone'll kill me... Hehehe. Jaz is SOOOO CUTE!!! (had to do that XD)

On to some other topics. Yen told me last nite that she smsed CC to ask why he's been ignoring her and all he could say is that he hasn't and that they're as much friends as before and if she would need any help from him, he'll be there. What kinda bullshit is that?!? He didn't even answer he question. It's like he's trying to avoid answering or something. As for him ignoring her, everyone seem to have realized it and how could he deny without even blinking? It's so obvious when he asks all of us what we were having or doing and never asking Yen. I guess now Yen is regretting her move of confessing to him. Sorry to say, even though CC is also a friend of mine, I have to say that he's such a jerk for not cleaning this mess up earlier. Poor Yen has to drag on with life, hanging by a string. If only he could be like KJ, when Pink confessed to him, he told her that he wants her just as a best friend and kept to his promise till now. In fact, they're relationship has never been closer after the confession. IF ONLY CC would think that way...

EJ has been acting pretty weird these days. He seems to have certain issues that he is unwilling to share with any one of us. As far as we know, one of them is about Jaz but that's all we know for he doesn't wanna comment on it. I have noticed his change of attitude the day we went for a movie (Wed) for he was so quiet the whole day. I voiced this concern out to Pink but she told me that she doesn't really noticed these things with him. Funny how I would notice it, considering Pink was his friend before I knew him. I wish there was a way I could get him to open up to me or anyone else for that matter for he looks so suffering. I even smsed him after the movie to let him know that I noticed something amiss with him and that even though I ain't so close to him yet, I'm still always there if he needs an ear but he didn't give me any reply. I just feel sad for him cos if he keeps holding it all in, one day he might just burst and it wouldn't be a nice sight.

I know that later when Pink, Yen and me go out shopping, we'll have loads of things to talk about Nie and KW. I realized the whole nite last nite that he was trying to touch her and she touch him, like as if they're dating of something. But every time we ask him, he'll say that she's just his older sis, which I feel is bullshit. It's just that he doesn't want to admit that there is some feelings involved so he decided that another way of getting closer than just friends is to take her as a stepsis. I would know for this trick I have used when I was in high school. According to Pink, she seem to notice that KW has been trying to support and protect Nie the whole nite and Yen just seem to despise their attitudes last nite. I wonder why. Anyways, I'll find out later.

Damn Pissed

3 June 2004 (Thursday) - Damn Pissed

How could they do what they did!!! If you didn't want to come in the 1st place, then don't come. It's not like we put a pistol to your head and ask you to come. Here's the 411.

EJ, Yen, Pink and me went to the mall earlier to get Nie's pressie as well as have a quick dinner before the movie. Halfway through choosing Nie's pressie, CC called and said he'll be joining us for dinner. I felt he was being ridiculous because he had to come all the way JUST to have dinner with us. Anyways, he came with Nie (what a surprise) and we had dinner. Later, he left and we adjourn to the movies. After the movies, we decided to go yumcha and when we were on the way there, CC called to ask where we were and what were our plans. Pink told him we were going yumcha at our usual place and he said he'll meet us there. Right after that, I told Pink that I hope he doesn't bring his good friend, my crush, LW for I really didn't want to see him just yet. Just after I said those words, LW's car appeared in front of us and my whole mood crashed. Well, no matter what, Pink told me to loosen up and have fun. We all sat down and ordered our drinks but CC and LW didn't join us. Instead, they drove off without even saying hi. Pink and me were bitching about it the whole time and I really felt damn pissed for them doing that. If they just wanted to show off their cars or something, PLEASE... Just don't show up. Thing is, I didn't wanna see LW that nite either so why must he turn up and leave just like that?

Questions... Questions... Questions I cannot answer. The only way I can get it is by asking CC or LW myself but I am not gonna do that for I am too pissed at them to even want to talk or see them for some time. Unfortunately, mum was there with us last night so we couldn't stay up too late and bitch about it even more. I got home and send an sms to Pink to bitch to her some more. I told her that the only person who can stand them both is Nie. I think this because she has a thing for LW. Seems she has been going out with them without us knowing and getting closer to CC, even though they actually don't know each other well at all. I admit that I do feel some sort of jealousy but then I have no right to for they have their own lives and their own decisions.

I also quite mad at Nie for doing this behind our backs. If she wants to mend our already bad friendship, she should learn to be more honest with us instead of going out with our friends behind our backs. We actually had to find out from CC and he said that she did ask us to go but we didn't want to but in fact, she didn't mention anything of that sort at all. Goes to show that she already had intentions of going out with them without our knowledge. Honestly, I feel really sad and betrayed and hate inside of me now but I don't think I can tell anyone just yet. Even though I know Pink will sorta understand but yet she'll try to talk me out of feeling hate for she'll say that no matter what, we're all still friends. I know that fact but it's just that there is no way I can curb my feelings. Can you?

A Dream Is A Wish

2 June 2004 (Wednesday) - A Dream Is A Wish

Nite before last, I had a dream. A dream so sweet I can't seem to forget. Pink and me were hiding behind some stack of boxes to spy on our other pal, Yen. She was sitting there with her crush, CC. She started confessing her feelings for him and he told her off by saying that they're just friends and nothing more. The look in her eyes were of total dismay but yet after pausing for a minute, she turned to him and kissed him on the forehead. Instead of backing away, he turned to her instead and kissed her on the lips. In the dream, both Pink and me were SO touched. Both of them held hands and we knew everything was going to end happily ever after. The feeling of satisfaction and love stayed with me even after I awoke.

Yen has had a crush on CC for some time now and she has confessed her feelings for him but he seems like as if he does not return the feeling. The worse part of all is when he doesn't reply her messages and never gave her any definition of how he's feeling. She feels so confused and hanging by the string. We all feel bad for her. After I told Pink about my dream, she said that maybe there's a sign that things may happen for the better because it seems like CC hasn't given a reply so he might still be contemplating with his own feelings for her. Who knows, maybe it WILL turn out for the better in the end. I'll just hope and pray it will because I think they are so well suited together.

On to another topic. I just had a thought. A thought about Nie. She seems to know that we girls will always be there for her through thick and thin but yet she seems to be willing to give 90% of that up, for guys. I know she realizes that we are very important people in her life and she is trying her best to try to make us feel like we've been appreciated by always asking if we have any plans and things like that. The thing is, she just seems to be more interested in guys, especially particular guys. For example, if a certain guy asks her out, she would gladly go as opposed to if we girls were to ask her out at the same time. I can so guarantee that she'll choose the guy rather than us. But somehow, she'll try to make that up by asking us out the next day or later that nite, after she had gone out with him.

I really don't know about how I feel of this situation. I really can't say. Why, you ask? Because I like the same guy she likes. Worse part is that both she and him doesn't know my feelings. People who knows ask why I don't tell Nie and all I can say is that I don't want both relationship she and me, him and me to go down the drain. There is no win situation for this. I just have to take a step back and pretend everything's alright. Even my other pals have no say in this because they are friends to all 3 of us. Somehow, it doesn't judge my opinion on Nie, now that I see her straight-forward ways of getting the guy. I just feel that her actions may be too much and by shoving us girls aside, we feel the pinch even more.

Bringing on the heartache

30 May 2004 (Sunday) - Bringing on the heartache

My heart was breaking last nite. It was supposed to be a nite full of fun and laughter but somehow I felt like I deemed in the background. Only 1 or 2 person(s) realised I wasn't in the mood for a party.

Whole nite I was thinking of him and the scene that kept repeating before me. Of him and my close pal face to face and of him laying on my close pal's lap. It was just too much to bear. I had to walk out to the balcony by myself to breath some fresh air while everyone else was happily enjoying the Korean movie.

My stepbro was the only one that felt something was amissed with me when I walked out and he came to comfort me. Funny thing was, he didn't know anything at all for we have sorta lost contact for some time. He asked if something was troubling me and I said no but he knew I was lying for he said my eyes didn't lit up when I smiled. He didn't persuade tho and I was glad to leave it at that.

Only later when we went for a cigarette break that I decided to tell my stepbro that I was in love with my close guy friend. He was taken back and said he never realised that I had such strong feelings for him for he only sees up as good pals. How looks can be deceiving. I asked if there was any way I could let my heart die off and he adviced me that I'm on my own in this but he'll be there as an ear to listen. I'm grateful to have him. I must remind myself never ever to take him for granted again and to catch up with him more. He can be a nag sometimes but he's always there for me.

I think I better stop here. I'm feeling more heartachy as I write. I will continue maybe tomorrow or so.

Touched

Just when I thought she didn't feel anything anymore, she send me a sweet and touching and email about how she appreciates our friendships and how much I mean to her. It just brought tears to my eyes. I don't know how to react and instead turned to my closest gal pal. She told me to forward her the email and after reading it, she smsed me to tell me that she feels bad for the way we've been treating her lately.

Honestly, I too feel awful for what I have done, all the faces I've shown her, the mean part of not calling her out and talking about her behind her back.

It all started with LW coming into our closed-knitted group of the 4 girls. When he entered our group, I already had feelings for him but later on, Nie seems to have feelings for him too but every time we asked, she'll deny. Based on all her actions whenever he's around, it's so obvious that she has the hots for him. I on the other hand, tend to keep my feelings to myself for I know that there is not a chance of me and him together and if I were to tell either one how I feel, I'll lose both friendships. Only Pink and Yen really knows all these.

The 3 of us suddenly built a wall between us and her. We went places without her. As for me, I suddenly felt like I didn't want her around anymore. She on the other hand, hung out with CC and LW without the 3 of us and without even letting the slightest hint that she did go out with them. Things just gets worse day after day as we found out more things she's done behind our back and we started talking more behind her back.

Right up to just a few minutes ago, she had never crossed my mind. She actually has a very good way of manipulating us. Every time she knows we've gone somewhere without her or she has somehow provoked us, she'll send us sweet smses about how much we mean to her and stuffs like that. She sure did it again when she sent me that email.

I know somehow, I still love her very much and that no matter what and how, we'll still remain as close friends but just depends on our degree of closeness. As for the moment, GG and Pink has the highest degree of closeness in my list.

As I had mentioned to Pink last night, our group seems to be kinda like F.R.I.E.N.D.S. We are a close-knitted, tight-fitted group and yet within our group, we can come up with so much conflicts. Conflicts such as 2 girls liking the same guy whereby another guy already likes 1 of the girl and another girl liking her best friend as another girl likes another 1 of the guy.. All within this same group. I feel like we need to get out and socialize with others outside our group or we'll be forever be in love with each other and conflict all the time.