Miss my mummy :(

I'm not so heated up today. I'm more depressed than anything. I couldn't sleep last nite because my mind keeps going back to happier times when it was just CC, Yen, LW and I. I sure miss those times. I want it all back again. I wish Nie never got to know them then everything would be alright. I voiced out my thoughts to Yen thru sms. She too feels the same but she's more positive by saying that Pink will call them someday if they still didn't call us. I just hope that it wouldn't be too late by then.

No matter how much I say or portray that losing this 2 doesn't affect me, I'm only bluffing my friends and myself. My insides are slowly dying and I only making myself suffer. Of course it hurts that I have to lose them, considering that we were so close once upon a time and we've known each other for so many years now. Just because of 1 person, everything that we've built together for so long just goes down the drain.

I also cannot deny that I feel hate for Nie. It's just that I (we) have to pretend like as if we're still best buds just to get her back onto our side and hopefully get those 2 back in as well. It's a ploy, no doubt but it's the only way. I'm only giving Nie the benefit of the doubt here but deep down, I despise her. I know it's a sad and horrid thing to say or feel but I just can't help it.

Both Yen and me are treating Nie with a lot of fake love and care. Seems to be working tho for she's awfully grateful to be able to go out with us and talk as normal again. It all showed last nite when we went for dinner in KL with Yen, Pink, Ken, Nie and me. Initially, Yen didn't want her to come along but because of all these fakeness, we had to act like we really wanted her to come. Nie seems awfully sticky to me (I don't know about the rest). There was once when we were just walking around, I held her hand to drag her away from a stall and quickly I let go for I didn't like the feeling of touching her. She held on to me and said it's been awhile since she held a hand. I completely ignored her and kept walking, with her still hanging onto me. EWWWW!!! See, it has come to THIS stage of disgust I have for her.

Nie actually said she didn’t want to go dinner with us because I told her that she might have to drive if we all went to Rose’s place and she doesn’t want to go. Finally, Yen got Ken to send Nie home 1st. Her excuse for not wanting to drive herself was because she’s tired and wants go home to sleep earlier. Her excuse for not wanting to go to Rose’s was because her mother pantang but her parents are Christians and far as I know, Christians don’t have such pantangs.

After dinner, Pink and me were suppose to head to Rose place for her granny just passed away. Finally Pink decided not to go for her mum told her it wasn’t such a good idea. We made another ploy to go yumcha without Nie after dinner. Before Nie got in the car, we called Yen to inform her that Ken has to send Nie back 1st then join us at Mani. Later, Ken confessed that Nie said she has an appointment. Now, does it seem suspicious? 1st she says she tired but in the end still go out, especially when by the time she got home after dinner was close to 11pm. Did she already made appointment that’s why she gave excuse don’t wanna drive cos tired? Or was the appointment later that’s why she didn’t want to go to Rose’s? I’m so sorry to say that the 3 of us straight away begin to suspect that she was going out with those 2.

I better continue with my story on what happened on Monday. It was Nie's birthday. She invited Yen, Pink and me for dinner at this quite high-end restaurant (we went dutch tho). Little did we know that besides her sister, cousin and some other friends, she invited LW and CC as well. I only found that out when we parked and she called CC to confirm his attendance. LW couldn't make it that nite because he was busy with work... Or was it that he just didn't want to see us...? Before we went into the restaurant, I pulled Yen aside and told her that CC is coming. Unfortunately, the table was set that we had to face each other and I was facing CC. He brought a girl, the all-famous Brenda (she was once-upon a time a talk in our group because CC was spending a lot of time with her and we were trying to get the 411 on whether he had interest in her or were they together but he denied all) that we've heard so much before but never seen. He acted like she was his gf but she sure didn't act like he was her bf. Anyways, when he arrived, he didn't even acknowledge our presence except Nie's. He only said hi to her, talk to her, introduced Brenda to her and even said bye to her, all the while pretending we're transparent. That was as much as we could take and 3 of us decided enough's enough and deleted both CC's and LW's phone numbers. Now, even if I regretted my actions, there's no way I could retrieve their numbers.

By the way, Nie got sacked yesterday. Her lady boss called her up on Tuesday at 10pm to ask her to go to the office the next day to get her letter. When asked why, lady boss said that she just can’t work with her any more. Next day the office, her male boss told her that she’s till hired in his eyes. Seems male boss and lady boss have something going on and lady boss is jealous of Nie cos she feels that male boss is treating Nie extra nice. Seems he’s more patient with Nie than her. Lady boss didn’t come to office that day but I don’t know if anything happened today for I haven’t been able to ask Nie anything just yet. According to Nie, male boss is old and there would be no reason for her to 'kow' him. But, who know? I know, I know, I’m cruel for saying that. Maybe what Pink said is right, Nie might have done something that seems like a threat to lady boss in which she didn’t realize she was doing something wrong, just like how she’s wrecked our friendship with the 2 boys without even realizing it… Or maybe she does…? After Yen knew about this, she said that this so confirms that we cannot introduce male friends to Nie anymore. Maybe there are some truths in this as even her boss can feel something’s amiss, what more we, her friends, who spends so much time with her and knew her from long ago?

On to other topics, EJ went for audition for Malaysian Idol but he didn’t get thru. I know he must be very depressed at this moment. Unfortunately, he’s a sore loser. He has to be the best or he’ll change to something else. Good example is his career. He was in graphics but when he wasn’t the best, he changed to hotel line and found out he wasn’t the best there either. He’s now in events and on the verge of giving up as well. When he told me that he’s looking for a singing teacher and if I had any recommendations, I knew that through the joke, he really meant it. I just hope that someday someone’ll be able to wake him up to reality that one can still achieve greatness without being the number 1 in it. I just hope that one day will not be too long, when he has lost all determination *shakes head* Poor EJ.

The weird thing about all these is that my mum actually remembered about EJ’s audition and called me up last nite to ask how it went/ when I told her that it was postponed to today, she asked to wish him luck for her. She actually cares about my friends. I always knew she cared about me and wants to know everything about me but I just didn’t know how deep she would take it to. During times like these, I miss her a lot. At times, we don’t get along but I do miss hanging out with her, just talking. I kinda long for a nice warm hug from her rite now to tell me that everything’s gonna be alright soon. I know I’m a 22 year old grown adult but I tend to want times when I can just be my mummy’s little baby *getting misty eyed* I think I better stop here before I start flooding the keyboards.

PS: I just called Nie to ask what happened at work and she said that her lady boss is away for some self-development course so she won't be seeing her for the next few days. But she honestly don't know how to face the lady boss when she comes back. According to male boss, everything's alright and told Nie not to worry too much about it. I actually called her to 'pan kuan sum'. I know, I'm so fake and so bad. Well, after all my hard work of trying to be nice to her when I'm so mad at her, she better not screw up anymore.