Nie's day

Today's Nie's birthday. She just called to inform me that we'll be going for dinner together with some of her other friends and some family members. I found it funny that after telling me that, she asked if it's ok to go on with the plan and I just told her that it is after all her plan and she said that I sounded reluctant. It's not that I'm reluctant, it's just that I don't know how to react to her anymore and after last nite, I feel even more awkward than before.

Yesterday was supposed to be a fun day but it sure didn't seem like it for me. We went cycling at this park and at first I thought I could cope with it but the slopes were too much for me and in the end I had to walk most of the way. It was a nice scenery though and I sure enjoyed the 4 season house, which was Winter by the way. I finally got to see and touch snow *big grin* The bad thing about the cycling trip was that I blurted out to KW that he's always protecting Nie.

The story is, Yen wanted to put some stuffs in KW's bag for she didn't want to leave it out on the bike for others to take. Nie commented that we're always bullying KW and Yen asked who is the one always bullying him first. KW then said that he willingly carried the bag and I blurted out that he's always helping her. I turned my back and walked away so I didn't see him face turn black (according to Pink). I regretted saying it but I can't say that I didn't mean it. I felt bad and when I got home, I smsed KW to apologize but he didn't reply. Up till now, I still have no idea if he's mad at me or not. Thing is, I was contemplating to apologize or not and I thought back that if I were in his shoes, I would rather the person apologize. I would still feel mad initially but my fire would cool down later on. Well, that's me but I don't know about him. Hopefully he thinks the same too.

After cycling, I had another shocker that nite. Seems CC and LW was at Nie's house and she called Pink to ask her out. Pink asked who was gonna pick Yen and me and Nie covered the phone to ask the boys that question. After some muffled sounds, she said that the boys only invited Pink alone. Seriously, my heart broke. If I were alone, I would have banged my head against the wall for ever liking LW. The boys don't even think of Yen and me as friends enough to call us out. After all I've done for LW, this is the thanks I get. Damn him!!! Come to think of it, I don't need his friendship nor CC's. They are both worthless bastards and they can go find 'popular' girls to hang around with. They think they're the greatest but I've got news for them, we're NOT in HIGH SCHOOL any more. Popularity don't count these days. I actually wanted to sms them to tell them to fuck out of our lifes and leave our group alone. As Pink pointed out, it seems like the 2 boys are trying to break the 4 of us up and come to think of it, I feel it too. I have to hold back my hands and think logically 1st before I do something or say something I regret, like the case with KW.

As for Nie, I was purely disappointed that she didn't even think about asking Yen and me out. She had to wait till Pink pointed it out to figure that we weren't included *shakes head* SO DISAPPOINTED. Nie... How could you do this to us? I thought we were close buds and that we love each other to bits *sniff* The worse part is that I actually cried for her before I got the nite news. I was watching a show about 4 girls in a band but because of 1 of them with an attitude, the 4 split up. I felt it was so like our group at the moment and I cried to think of our fate. I swore to myself that it would not happen that way and I would not bitch about it any more but come yumcha time, all promise and hope were flushed down the toilet bowl.

I honestly doubt that I can look Nie in the eye anymore. I will still keep to my promise of not letting the 4 of us split up and trying to tone down on the bitchings but to mend my broken heart and disappointment and relationship between Nie and me, it'll take a LONG time. If any more 'situations' comes up, I might just lose all contact with her. I really don't want that to happen but I'm really on the verge already. It's frightening.

On a lighter note, I saw Gan today. I have not admitted to anyone before but I am kinda attracted to him, since before. I don't mean outlook wise but what he has inside (I know what you're thinking, go bang your head against a wall but THAT's not what I'm mean). He may be rough and gruff outside but inside, he's such a sweetie. I should know, for I've been with him before. He's a real learned person and somehow, I'm always attracted to guys like that (Dougie Houser - my fav). I may be a little confused about how I feel for him, I either like him or have compassion for him. I feel for him because he has so much talent but under some circumstances, he is unable to live it to his full potential. I feel like helping him but just don't know how, except to 'love' him (Pink's probably puking now but I'm only being honest). Of course these things are not just based on that but also on my own 'needs'. I actually smsed Pink to ask if I would embrace the opportunity or fight the lust. She told me to fight. Anyways, he has left for gym and we didn't do anything. The timing was not right. I do not guarantee that the next time the timing would be wrong again *winks*